Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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