Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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