Plan B is the new Plan A
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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