Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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