what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
