nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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