if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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