Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
