Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
