yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
