I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
