please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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