I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Did I show you my penis last night?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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