My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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