Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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