Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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