Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
