happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
