hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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