We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
