My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
