don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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