They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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