then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
