just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Come on in and take your pants off
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