The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
