thus making me awesome and them whores
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
