my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
