I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You made out with two different species that night
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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