Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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