I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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