I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
