my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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