Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
