Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
