I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
