So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
