I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
