I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
be right there i have to get my cape
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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