He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Floor bacon is actually really good
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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