So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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