i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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