I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I love you. Go after that dick
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
