i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
