why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
