There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
