please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
