I accidentally had phone sex last night
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
