Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
