Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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